patience

I heard this on the writer's almanac this morning, thought it was a funny commentary on patience.

Your Punishment in Hell
by Gary Leising


Someone will douse a cobra in gasoline,

light the sucker, and shove it headfirst

down your throat. It'll speed straight

through your esophagus, unfurl

its hood to fill your stomach

then begin to strike and strike and strike

and strike and strike: fangs pierce

your stomach, venom pours in,

the little burn of incipient ulcers

grows quick, paralysis sets in.

Your lungs stop before your brain,

before your hand, which lifts

to your mouth the plastic-lidded

paper cup holding the caramel

macchiato cappuccino with a double

shot of espresso and frothed soy milk

topped with two shakes of cinnamon

and no, NO (yes, you said no twice)

sugar that was made for you

slowly, while I, already running late,

waited behind you for a simple,

already-made black coffee.

You will lose all motion before

that drink reaches your mouth,

but you recover and the drink,

strangely, has vanished, and barrista

and cobra-douser-slash-lighter do it all again

and again. I know this because,

for my angry impatience,

I am behind you in line in hell

forever, the pot of black coffee

behind the counter steaming,

turning, I know, bitter.


"Your Punishment in Hell" by Gary Leising from Fastened to a Dying Animal. © Pudding House Press, 2010. Reprinted with permission.

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1. Signed back up for eharmony because they were running a special, and now lots of boys are messaging me.

2. Had the strangest experience on the train with a guy today. It took me a while to figure out that he was looking for a person to carpool with. He was fun to talk to anyway.

3. I think I accidentally ate a carrot that I dropped on the train floor, but instead of getting upset, I thought it was kind of funny.

4. Got to start my gym time at work again today. And when I was lifting weights, I was surprised how much I could lift on some of the machines.

5. When I walked out of the office today, it was a little chilly and a little damp, and the air smelled like someone had just fired up a grill. I can't real explain why, but the combination made me so giddy, must be a sense memory thing.

6. We laughed our butts of in book club today!

7. Got to the metro platform just as the train was pulling up for the second day in a row, yay no standing around!

8. Got so many compliments on my new lacy tights that I was a little scared to wear to work.

9. Had tacos salad for dinner and it was sooooo yummy and still on my diet.

10. 3 days and absolutely completely sticking to my diet after a bad weekend. It feels so great when the temporary water weight comes back off.

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This weekend.

1. This weekend I laughed harder than I have in a long time. It involved a 3 year old and a mouth full of chewed up chocolate chip cookies.

2 - 3. I got permission to get my other Monday back for teleworking AND to use my 3 hours of exercise time again.

4. I finally found out what Minny did to Hilly in "The Help"

5. They made my latte PERFECT this morning!

6. Finally went to Ren Fest, and for FREE thanks to Julie's mad radio show call in skills.

7. Watching grown men bob for baby bottle nipples is hilarious!

8. I got to try two new recipes this weekend, and they both turned out alright. You have no idea how much I love trying new recipes.

9. Have a new "match" from my dating service to work on.

10. Got treated to dinner by Julie's dad, who is starting to be a better date than some of my real dates!

11. Hit the craft show and scored a cool new belt.

12. Sold 3 of the 4 things I listed on eBay.

I know there was so much more, I had so many fun things crammed into this weekend, but it is all turning into a blur now. Hope your weekend was awesome!

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1. I just saw the funniest suitcase on the metro. It had the Polo Campero logo on it, and all the zipper pulls were shaped like chicken feet! Okay, maybe not funniest EVER, but it was still cool.
2. A cut new boy is messaging me on okcupid.
3. Saw these three people that were (hopefully) going to an 80's party and looked awesome. One brave girl was rocking the workout look complete with leggings, legwarmers, and a THONG leotard LOL!
4. The view over the Potomac was spectacular today.
5. The barista (or whatever the male version is) at Starbucks was trying so hard to show off that he ended up flipping cups everywhere, it was hilarious.
6. Found the perfect sunny spot to read my book at lunch today.
7. Found inspiration for a new craft project today.
8. When I got home, Molly ran out the door and immediately started throwing up on the grass. I don't know what made her feel bad, but that sweet girl didn't throw up one drop in the house! Thank God for small favors.

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Tuesday's smiles

1-4. Part of my workday Tuesday included bowling a couple of games with my coworkers. Even better than that, I actually bowled pretty good, and had lots of yummy eye-candy within close view. We got ridiculously lost on the way over, but it was SO ridiculous that it made me laugh a ton.

5. I got a ton of compliments on how skinny I looked yesterday, which is always nice.

6. My boss told me she wants to put me in for an award!

7. Speaking of awards, the nominations for this quarter's peer awards includes me, two of my friends, one person on my team, and another person in contracting. I am so proud of everyone, it was really hard to choose.

8. I managed to stay away from the pizza at the bowling alley yesterday, even though everyone around me was eating it. I haven't cheated even a little bit on my diet so far this week.

9. Even though I left the house late yesterday, I still made it to work in less than an hour, almost unheard of!

10. My book club book is turning out to be really good so far.

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Some of today's smiles

1.  The other day I think I witnessed a metro-hook up.  Well, maybe hook up is too strong, I think the guy just asked the girl out.  It could have been old friends catching up, but I don't think so, and there were definitely numbers exchanged.  It was so cute, especially because the girl was way prettier than the guy, but she was totally smiling and blushing anyway.  Gives me hope that you can find guys anywhere!

2.  I found out that I don't need new tires after all!  Well, at least not for another month or two.  Yay for saving money, and for honest tire guys!

3.  Jen let me borrow her new shark steam mop, and it motivated me to actually clean my floors.  Hooray for being productive!

4.  Speaking of being productive, I finally listed some of my SLAH things on eBay, something I have meant to do for months.

4.  So glad to have the holiday today to catch up on housework.  Well, housework and my TiVo list.

5.  I am thankful for the new Shout color catcher sheets.  I just pulled one out that was totally red, it kept my new shirt from ruining everything else.

6.  Enjoyed the nice weather yesterday by hanging out with the neighbors and reading my book on the Starbucks patio.

7.  Tomorrow is sports day at work!  I had 3 appointments scheduled for the afternoon that were going to keep me from going bowling, but two of them miraculously got moved, and I think I can skip the third.  Hooray for bowling counting as work (team building activities or something).

8.  Got to sleep in today.

9.  Ran into an old friend while walking Molly this morning.

10.  It's only 3:30, and I've already done most of my work for today.  That means lots of time left for play!

Birbigs!

Mike Birbiglia ALWAYS makes me smile and laugh.  His best clips are the ones that are shown on some of the This American Life radio show, I'll see if I can find you some of those later.  In the mean time, check out this animated version of one of his jokes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbsnGVWmI1M&p=30FAF7AD74CBF11B&playnext=1